The old saying goes, "There's no such thing as a stupid question." While I agree with this message for the most part, there is a limit to the number of times I can graciously respond to the same stupid questions in the kingdom of Subway Eat Fresh. Here are some of the questions that I'm talking about:
Customer- How big is the footlong?
What I say- 12 inches, or I show them the roll
What I want to say- See my thumb? Gee you're dumb
Me- Would you like to add a drink to make that a meal?
Customer- Is it cheaper?
What I say- No, it's not numerically cheaper, but if you want a drink, it's a better deal to get the meal.
What I want to say- Oh yeah, Einstein, that's how commerce works, the more of our products you buy the less we charge you. If you're really smart, maybe you can just keep purchasing things until the whole meal is free.
Customer- Are all the footlongs five dollars?
What I say- No, we now offer select footlongs for five dollars, which are shown on this menu here (points genially).
What I want to say- Can you read? If not, I'd be happy to answer this question, if so however, stop being so lazy and use your eyes.
This also goes for "Do yout take diamond dollars?" to which I want to say, "Did you come in through the door? Because there's a sign at eye level saying we do. Use them eyes your momma gave you."
Me- Would you like Banana peppers or jalepenos?
Customer- Are they the same thing?
What I say- No, the banana peppers here (points helpfully) are milder than the jalepenos, which are over here (points again, how accomodating)
What I want to say- Yeah, they are
Customer- Do you take access cards
What I say- Sorry, we don't actually
What I want to say- Seriously?
This next one may seem too stupid to believe, but I swear on the sanctity of this blog that it is a true story...
Customer- (painfully flirting whole way through line and reaches end)
Me- Would you like anything else?
What I want to say- Would you like anything else, perv?
Customer- Your name
Me- What? (nervous laughter)
Customer- What time do you get off work?
Me- I'm here till closing
What I want to say- None of your business, Creep
Customer- What are you doing after work?
Me- I don't know, I have plans with some friends for later.
What I want to say- Go away please
Customer- Well, maybe I can buy you a sandwich sometime
Me/What I want to say (c'mon, I held it together for a long time here)- Are you seriously offering to buy me a sandwich? You're trying to take me on a date to Subway? You realize I work here, right? Get real.
There are so many more, but I'm blanking at the moment. This lack of brain power can only be attributed to one thing: a Friday night closing shift.
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